MLP FIM Christmas Special "The Best Gift Ever" review

Review for the Christmas Special of MLP Season 9, "The Best Gift Ever". Celebrating friendship and holiday cheer

Note: This was written a few weeks ago, but we decided to post it closer to Christmas. -GC

I've steadily been catching up with MLP, and last week I took a pause from the Equestria Girls shorts to watch the Season 9 Christmas Special, "The Best Gift Ever". The first time I saw it was a bit dramatic; I could take in most of the episode without problems, but the credits song just was the biggest trigger ever and I ended up crying my heart out. I've left all the details on my post about holidays blues and dependent personality disorder so if you're interested you can read out more there. But on more positive side, I was able to rewatch the episode a few days later without triggers getting in the way, so here's my review of "The Best Gift Ever"!

Unicorns? Dragons? Pah. It's having snow at Christmas- or its equivalent- that really makes this a fantasy world. -GC

Christmas stories, for the most part, tend to follow certain well-established cliches. I don't think it's necessarily a flaw; rather, I find it part of their charm. We know that the characters are going to discover (or in some cases, rediscover) the importance of love, care and holiday cheer - but how they get there is all part of the fun.

"The Best Gift Ever" is no exception. As the title itself reveals, this Christmas Special for MLP: FiM Season 9 is all about gift hunting, finding the "perfect" present for loved ones, with all the complications entailed in expressing how important they are for us. This used to be my favorite kind of set up for Christmas stories, so I had great expectations even if the premise was kinda predictable. I'm happy to say that the show managed to pack in some surprising twists to what sounded like an ordinary Christmas fable; the story immediately becomes engaging and you're drawn into the endeavors of the Mane Six to find "the best gift ever".

The episode begins with a slice-of-life montage in which all of Equestria is seen preparing for Heart's Warming Eve. It's just one more day before the event and everypony is bustling with excitement while hurriedly looking for last-minute presents, or preparing to spend the holiday with family and friends. The Mane Six, of course, are no exception. So, to take some of the hassle off her friends (especially Twilight Sparkle), Applejack suggests that they instead adopt one of her family traditions - the Hearth's Warming Helper, a Secret Santa-style event where everyone must draw another pony's name and get a present for just that particular pony.

I knew I wore this thing for a reason.

Of course, it seems like a grand idea and much more manageable - in theory. When Spike accidentally tells Twilight Sparkle how the single present they're out to get must be something really super special - "the best gift ever" - that gets her even more worked up under the weight of the responsibility. And being Twilight Sparkle we're talking about, that makes her slightly neurotic - to the point of almost forgetting that her brother, Cadence and baby Flurry Heart will be visiting. Yet our Princess of Friendship is determined to make it through, no matter what state her nerves might be in at the end of the ordeal. She wants this Hearth's Warming to be special, both for her family and for the pony she's been assigned. 

This is roughly what my expression is like this time of year. -GC

Meanwhile, Spike has his own issues to deal with. Having found out from Applejack that it's possible to swap Hearth's Warming Helpers, he sets out to find out who has the one pony he wants to find a perfect present for - namely (you guessed it) Rarity. He knows perfectly well she's the one who deserves the best gift ever, but when he finally gets her name as Hearth's Warming Helper, he realizes he's suddenly not so sure of what might be special enough for somepony so special. With Spike being Spike, hilarity ensues in pretty much every scene he's in.

There's also a side plot featuring Applejack and Fluttershy's efforts to bring down a Christmas scam that's going to ruin Hearth's Warming for many a pony - if they don't do something about it soon. While Rarity and Pinkie Pie embark on two very different quests for the "best gift ever", Rainbow Dash gets the most unlikely assistance in picking up a present for Fluttershy when Discord makes his entrance. With such an assorted cast of Helpers, will everyone get the "best gift ever" and get it in time for Heart Warming Eve?

There's also a brief joke about sheep being set on fire. I'm serious. -GC

As much as the finale song broke my heart, I really loved this show. It was funny, it had lots of heart warming moments (and how could it be otherwise) and I loved how it went on to show little bits and pieces of everyday life (even if I have a minor quip in this regard that I'll address later). The introductory narrative, told in rhyme in the typical tradition of Christmas poems, was a delightful touch. And I loved how each pony came to Twilight Sparkle's final realization by their own different ways. The "gifts" were also not in the slightest bit predictable and I loved where the show decided to go with each pony's gift idea. The only exception was Rainbow Dash who, before Discord chimes in with his "helpful" suggestions, couldn't think of anything more original than a candle. I mean - really? Rainbow herself tells Discord that she's known Fluttershy for a long time, and while nailing down her preferences might have been difficult, I don't see how her first thought was just something so plain and devoid of any personality or meaning. Heck, at this point why not just get an autographed Daring Do novel because it's something special for Rainbow Dash, and she wants to share it with her friend? I understand that the show needed her to be totally at a loss of ideas for Discord to interject (and pretty much steal the spotlight) - I just feel there could have been subtler ways to go about it.

Another touch that I loved were the reindeer! I won't go much into spoilers, but all you need to know is that they're magical, they're the ponies equivalent of Santa Claus with just a dash of "the Fates meet Fairy Godmothers" thrown in for good measure, and they're thoroughly adorable. I hope there will be more Christmas specials with these new, lovely addiction to the MLP cast. And just for rhyming sake I'd love to see them interact with Zecora - bet there'd be quite the interesting conversation going on there!

"Totes Adorbs" as my cousin would say. -GC

My only pet peeve with "the best gift ever" is a scene in the opening montage, in which we're shown the Apples and Pies families meeting to spend the holidays together. As Big Mac and Sugar Belle nuzzle happily, Marble can only look over their shoulder wistfully before she breaks down in tears, and you really feel her heart breaking. In many ways it reminded me of the "Last Christmas" music video. Although later Marble even manages to stifle a chuckle while helping Pinkie with her gift hunting, that haunted look early in the episode made every of her later appearance feel contrived; yes, her eyes have always been sad, but having your former crush and his new love interest under your roof for all the holidays surely must not have been doing much to cheer her or warm her heart. Why they didn't show Big Mac and Sugar Belle deciding to spend the holiday in some romantic place, instead of constantly hanging around poor Marble? I would have much rather preferred seeing them nuzzle under Bright Mac and Pear Butter's tree, maybe with Grand Pear watching wistfully over their shoulder as he thinks back about his daughter's love for Bright Mac and how proud she would be of their son. Keeping them always under Marble's eyes felt unnecessary... unless the show is planning to address this issue in the next season, perhaps by having Big Mac and Sugar Belle help Marble find somepony for herself. It was just so recurring it felt a bit like foreshadowing, and we know that MLP isn't new to dropping subtle hints and tips of the hat to these "slice of life" moments. We'll see where they're going with that when the new series airs.

Ship sunk. -GC

On the overall, "The Best Gift Ever" was a lovely Christmas show. I'm just saddened that I couldn't enjoy it as much as I had wanted on my first viewing; it just hit too close to home, but that's everything to do with me and my mental illness and nothing to do with the story itself. Also, it is a Christmas special, so if these kind of stories just don't appeal to you, it might be worth skipping. The premise is a bit simplistic, but the show manages to never come off as predictable or boring. And the ending song, even if it broke my heart, might be one of my all-time favorites from all Pony seasons. So my vote for this is a solid 8/10 (I'm docking a couple points for the way Rainbow Dash's character was poorly used - though admittedly the show did worse with her in past episodes, I'm thinking of the one where she and Applejack very nearly let Yona die during a camp trip because they're too taken with their rivalry to pay attention to students - and for the unnecessary salt rubbed in the wound they did with Marble, even if like I said this could just be a matter of foreshadowing and premise to a future episode where her plot line is dealt with.)

Depression Strikes Back (the Revenge of the Triggers)

Of Dependent Personality Syndrome, triggers and holidays blues

WARNING: This post is about depression and mental illness. Proceed at your own discretion.

After a second run-in with triggers that hit me far harder than they should have, I decided to write something about how my feelings toward the holidays (especially Christmas) changed over the years, and what I've figured out might be "my" branch of depression; meet the Dependent Personality Disorder.

Hey all, Cri again. I'm sorry for bringing two depressing posts in a row here on NOI, but as my life mostly revolves around how depression affects it, I figured it'd be worth keeping this online journal updated. And the most recent update is that just this Thursday I had another bad episode, in which triggers sneaked on me and not only made me cry until my head hurt but also made me feel totally miserable and under the weather for the best part of the day. The fact that it's the only vacation day I'll be getting until Christmas (other than weekends) did not improve matters. But let's go over this with order.

The premise: Christmas and holidays blue

I'll start by saying that for the majority of my life, I was totally a holiday person. I loved Christmas, New Year, Halloween, Easter and even those holidays that aren't celebrated in Italy, like Thanksgiving or the Chinese New Year or Bonfire Night or Dia De Los Muertos. I am, of course, a big geek for foreign cultures and their traditions, but the main reason I used to dig holidays so much was that they were special occasions in which the hassles and concerns of everyday life were pushed aside, and my family and me could focus only on doing things together; donning the house, trying out new recipes, and in general celebrating our love for each other. My heart was a big multicolored glitter mess waiting for just another holiday, for just another party; I loved going out and taking photographs of the stores decorations even if I'd buy nothing, loved making plans, loved the atmosphere and the anticipation surrounding each festive occasion.

Then, something changed. I could blame it all on depression, of course, but the truth is that the harsher my life got, the easier a prey I became for depression itself. And sure enough, karma does seem to want to make me pay through my nose for those happy years. In the course of ten years I lost my grandmother, my aunt and finally my own mother, each consumed by illness of various kinds, after endless comings and goings to and from hospitals, endless devastating cures, endless hopes that sometimes soared and sometimes were bitterly crushed, endless pain and suffering on both ends - theirs and mine. For the greatest part of these years I couldn't even communicate with my online friends, the people I bonded with so much they really feel like family living abroad.

Fortunately, when things hit rock bottom with my mum's passing in 2015, I was able to contact them again and found out, to my delight, that they hadn't forgot about me and were ready as ever to surround me with their love and affection. This happened in September, so by December time I was still finding comfort in the fact that I could finally talk with them again and it shielded me, somewhat, from the Christmas atmosphere outside. I could pass by the store windows pretending to not see them because my thoughts kept revolving on when I'd be home to talk with my friends, commenting TV shows online with them and in general feeling like there was a sort of "haze" between me and the celebrations outside.

And here you can already see, clearer than I did at the time, how my reaction toward the holidays had changed abruptly. It went from being one of the most sought after time of the years, something I looked forward, to something that I just wanted to be over as quickly as possible, something that I tried to avoid instinctively knowing that a too direct brush with it would only leave me bleeding. I had come to dread Christmas, and holidays in general; I dreaded it because it made me feel melancholic and lonely, and only brought back a flood of memories of the happy holidays I had spent with my family - times that would never come back again and that I missed terribly. I had become one of the many people all over the world who suffer from "holiday blues."


And all through it, real life didn't give me a break either. I lost two jobs, the second of which was horrifying underpaid; I had countless applications and CVs rejected, all while struggling to stay alive in a country where everything from transport to food is overpriced. My friends had to chip in to pay my rent or I'd end up living on the streets, I had my bedroom ceiling collapse (fortunately at a time when I wasn't at home, or I wouldn't be writing this) and finally, just as of this year, found a new job where I slave away eight hours a day in a stressful environment and am not even paid for it, as our salaries have been placed on hold until sometime next year.

My life seemed, and felt, like a thorough failure, so it shouldn't be surprising if many times I was left wondering what was the point of it all. I always made it through - only thanks to the efforts, love and support of my online circle - but it was daunting, it was tiring, and it was hard. As you can easily imagine, my depression was the only one that had a blast through it all.

We spent some time at a national park; it was peaceful.

Last Christmas (no, not the song :P) was still different! My online friends almost literally "moved the mountains", like we say in Italy, so that I could spend Christmas holidays with them in the UK. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for their kindness, yet also frightened that depression would make me break out in tears all the time, that I'd ruin their holidays when they were struggling so hard to make it special for me... but even if I very nearly hit rock bottom and had to postpone the trip of a couple days for a particularly bad nervous meltdown, ultimately depression was kicked back in the ass! Being with them was just like the holidays in the old times. It felt like family. It felt like no longer being alone, like having a reason to celebrate; all the atmosphere, the care, the warmth was back, and for this I'll never thank Nabi, George and his family enough. It was a Christmas miracle made real, and suffocated the holidays blues for good. 

Sadly, this year there is nothing behind which I can take shelter to ignore the Christmas atmosphere, and no way I can spend it with my friends anywhere but online. At my job we'll be in office until the 24th, only take a break on 25th and since we're not being paid, even travelling or getting presents to send abroad to my loved ones is virtually impossible. It does not help that Italy's stores, like everywhere else, seem to enter the Christmas atmosphere already BEFORE Halloween is over. At work, everyone's talking about their plans for Christmas and New Year since a week or so.

The catalyst: "My Little Pony" Christmas special (review coming soon!)



A couple days ago, I made a mistake. I agreed, light-heartedly, to watch a My Little Pony Christmas special (I'll post a review of it next). Even if it was set in Christmas, or "Hearth's Warming", and the plot was all about finding the perfect gift for friends, I thought it'd be rather harmless. And heck... I used to love gift-hunting plots so much. In the past I wrote several fanfictions and stories revolving around the search for the perfect gift. One of my favorite book is aptly called "The most beautiful gift" and I referenced it years ago in a WALL-E fanfiction, "Let it snow", which pretty much borrows its finale from Jonathan Snow's enchanting Christmas story. For all these reasons I really wanted to watch the MLP special. More, I wanted to enjoy it.

And at least in the beginning, it seemed to work. There were a few warning bells with the initial song setting the atmosphere of the special, which made me worry that maybe it hadn't been a great idea - but then the story picked up and I got engaged in it. The humor and wisecracks of Discord, the gags with Spike and Twilight, Flurry Heart's cuteness - it all played out as it should have, and except for my eyes stinging just a couple of times (like I said, mostly at the beginning) I thought I'd make it fine to the end of the movie.

Unfortunately, the credits song pretty much shattered my hopes. It's all about friendship being the best gift ever, and the words plus the music, together with the slice-of-life-style scenes set all over Equestria, tugged at my heartstrings in a way the entire 44 minutes of episode had not done. It's a lovely song, and I totally agree with what it says - but it also was a jab in my heart because I'll be a world away from my friends, I won't be able to see them or get them presents or even exchange Christmas wishes with them. 

Furthermore, it brought up feeling of self-guilt; I blamed myself for not finding the strength in me to leave a job that's taking up so much of my time and not even paying me for it, which resulted in me feeling weak, helpless and miserable. That quickly turned to contempt, which in return became self hate. I cried so much by the end of the day my head was hurting and I felt totally shattered inside; meanwhile the hours had ticked off and I had thoroughly wasted my only other vacation day before the weekend and the only vacation I was going to have from here to Christmas - again because I brought it all upon myself, because I can't quit and once again face the strain of being jobless like in the last couple years. My only "free" day that I could spend with my loved ones, and I just wanted it to end as soon as possible, feeling that I ruined it for myself and for them. And all for what? Because I had genuinely thought watching a Christmas special of one of my favorite shows wouldn't hurt, because I thought I had not changed that much during the last two years. It turned out, I have changed and not for the best.

(Update 11/4: In case you're wondering - I'm doing better now. Writing this article my eyes got misty only a couple times and I managed to hold back the tears, for the most part. Yesterday I was even able to rewatch the episode and the triggers didn't work, though maybe it was because I already knew what was coming so I was kinda braced. Or, maybe I was just tired after a long working week. I've had worse bouts of depression, and I know I'll make it through this one. But it clearly showed me the struggle is far from over, and the enemy - depression - keeps lurking around me, like a vulture or a shark circling its prey.)

Self-analysis: Dependent Personality Disorder

Holidays blues notwithstanding, this brings me to the other point I wanted to discuss in this article. Because the breakdown with the Christmas special got me thinking about my depression, its symptoms, and especially how a lot of my happiness nowadays seems to rely in my friends and family abroad. When I'm on my own, I go on, I "survive" (like the Captain from WALL-E would say), there's even the occasional few times when I do fun things like impersonating a vampire on the tune of Xandria's "Vampire" this Halloween at the office - but all through it all I don't really feel much happiness. Or if it's happiness, it feels... watered down. I'm only genuinely happy when I'm home and can chat with my friends, or in the past year when I actually got to hang out with them (in Genoa during their summer trip to visit me, and in the UK during my Christmas vacation).

Some time ago, I joined an online support group about DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If you don't know much about DBT I suggest that you look it up, because on the overall I've found it helpful - and inspiring. Reading about how other people struggle with your same mental illness or different forms of the same diseases has from time to time given me encouragement to not give up hope. And in general these kinds of group tend to lend a supportive and understanding ear to your mental problems, which is helpful especially if (like me) you can't visit your therapist as often as you'd need (in my case, work shifts are such that we had to settle for phone appointments).

Recently, a post about "dependent personality disorder", or DPD, got my attention. Recognizing myself to have become highly dependent on others, I looked it up with some curiosity. And it seems like this particular branch of mental illness reflects myself pretty well. My happiness does hinge or whether or not I'm around others, to the point that I depend on them to keep going; I've known for a long time now that if I didn't have my "heart circle", my online friends, I'd even indulge suicidal thoughts more than I usually do (and yes, before you ask - there have been the occasional suicidal thoughts. Nothing I've ever put into action, but just... sometimes I feel tired of struggling all the time, and I wonder what's the point and whether it wouldn't be more merciful to just not wake up? Of course, I then shush these thoughts by telling myself that I have friends who love me and would miss me. But the fact that I need to others as an "anchor" to keep me grounded to life is the proof that I don't value my own life all that much, so if I was left to myself, I'm only assuming it'd be more difficult to shush down the suicidal thoughts and tell myself that "it's worth it". Because obviously, in my depression-riddled head - and heart - I am not "worth it" myself.)


The lack of self-esteem is also one of my most typical traits. I expect nothing from myself, and if something good occurs, it's always someone else's merit whether for encouraging me or sticking by me. Likewise, I tend to gravitate towards groups (where I always take a submissive stance, going with the tide instead of taking a stance for myself). I'm also afraid of abandonment and it's the key reason I've been withholding ever getting another pet in my life (other than my being penniless and thus unable to care properly for any animal's welfare; even a tiny pet like a goldfish, a canary, a turtle or a rat deserves proper food, vet support, and all other requirements for a good and comfortable life which here in Italy are expensive as heck). I've seen so many people and pets die and leave me behind that I'm not ready, emotionally and psychologically, to lose someone I love yet once again. (And yes, my religion does preach to me that there's an afterlife... but it's little comfort when I'm so needy and starving for companionship in the present time, in the everyday life).

So yeah... I think I've nailed down, pretty much, what's the issue with me. And knowing the face of your enemy can be disheartening - but it can also give you new weapons to fight it with. Now I know what I should be working on to improve myself. My love for my family notwithstanding, I must learn to depend on myself, to consider myself valuable and worthy. Because as much as it's true that humans are social animals and need the company of our peers, I can't keep relying so heavily on others. Only if I can learn to stand on my own I'll be able to score a massive goal in my endless, endless fight with depression. It's not going to be easy, and I know the road ahead is paved with difficulties. But for the love of my friends, who have kept me afloat all this time, I must learn to swim on my own. 

I do want to take this challenge home.


All stock photos found on Pixabay, Unsplash & Pexels
MLP (c) Hasbro

Venom review: Not as bad as critics say!

A couple days ago on Halloween, after sending the last batch of school lunches, my Mum and I decided to go to the cinema and see Venom; it had come out earlier this October, but we're really bad at planning family outings (and I think my Dad didn't want to see it at all due to some bad reviews; I'll talk about this later). 

So we decided... screw it! Let's watch it without them before it's gone from cinemas!

Alright, I'm going to try to keep it mostly spoiler-free, but I can't guarantee it since I'm not sure what counts as plot relevant sometimes.

The beginning got me hooked. A rocket crashes into East Malaysia (not biased because it was set in my country, I swear!) and it's pretty hectic from the get go. I won't go into detail, but it was straight into action; no dawdling around with too much exposition. This scene pretty much sets the tone of the film; gritty, fast-paced, and somewhat chaotic.

We're introduced to Eddie Brock (played by the handsome Tom Hardy) a while after; a hard-hitting investigative journalist in San Francisco who exposes the corrupt and unethical practices of big names. A real social justice warrior, you might say. I think Tom Hardy's portrayal brings a certain roguish charm to Eddie. Despite his strong moral beliefs, he still seems laid-back and likeable, instead of coming across as some self-righteous asshole.

The plot begins to unfold after our hero Eddie messes up an important interview, and eventually we get to the point where he meets the symbiote. Now, here's where there are some... mistakes. I'll keep it vague to not give away anything too important, but Eddie basically waltzes around a high security area as if there were no cameras at all? Quite an oversight...

From here on, Eddie is bonded with the symbiote, and we get to see an interesting dynamic between parasite and host; their relationship evolves from the symbiote (Venom) using and protecting Eddie out of necessity to actually liking him. Eddie himself finds having superpowers pretty cool, even if it means being hungry all the time. Biting heads off, not so cool.

Pictured: Tom Hardy talking to himself

I think this is the part that the movie gets right, showing both the cons and the pros of having a symbiote bond with you, and this is where Tom Hardy shines as both Eddie and Venom. We see how both of them need each other to survive, and how Eddie struggles for control while loving his newfound power. Instead of one completely taking over the other, it's more of a "hybrid" relationship, where both Eddie and Venom can communicate with each other and work together. Their dynamic is somewhat akin to a "bromance", with the symbiote sometimes giving Eddie advice about his girlfriend, or asks if he can eat that guy's head (the answer is usually no).

The film comes to an end after some more exciting (and sometimes rather unnecessary) scenes as the story is wrapped up. They defeat the villain, there's a bunch of cool special effects, and of course, there's a Stan Lee cameo. As the credits rolled, I thought... wow. This was actually kind of awesome!

A beautiful mess of a fight scene.

Yeah, I'll admit, the script was awful in places, and the dialogue is sometimes strange and clunky. The story was rather unstructured and like I said earlier, there was a lot of oversight for a few details (like autumn leaves in Malaysia... we don't have autumn here!). But overall, it was fun. Good, violent, exciting, comic book style fun.

So why did critics hate it? It was sloppy, sure, but some critics said it was BORING. Really? I mean, it's not high art but it was a good popcorn flick! And comic book fans of Venom would be happy to hear that some lines were directly lifted from the comics ("Eyes, lungs, pancreas... so many snacks, so little time"), paying homage to the original source.

"Excuse me good sir, I was in line first."

This brings me to my final point: critics aren't always right. They're human, just like me and you, and sometimes, films don't have to be art to be fun. My Dad really missed out by listening to negative reviews.

If you want 112 minutes of Tom Hardy having cool alien superpowers, go watch it if it's still in cinemas! Just don't expect it to be that deep. I'd give this a solid 8/10 despite its flaws. Yeah, it's that fun.

The invisible triggers (or why depression is a bitch)

Tales from the Land of Depression; the invisible triggers that set off the waterworks

CONTENT WARNING: Depression, mental illness

Depression has a weird way with triggers. With time and experience you can start sensing when a panic or anxiety attack is building up, but depression is even sneakier and sometimes all it takes is a word, a thought, a meaningless gesture to drive you to unstoppable tears. Here's a little bit of how it's been affecting me lately.

*sigh* I was hoping I could hold off this post for some weeks, hopefully until after Halloween. But depression doesn't work that way, and after two crying fits in a row within the same week I realized maybe it could be indeed helpful to write a bit about it, both to vent and analyze the triggers that set it off.

Triggers are a weird thing. If, like me, you're affected by mental illness of the depressive spectrum, you'll have experienced first hand how it sometimes takes little to nothing for your hardly built defenses to fall. And the next moment, you're crying, and you're sobbing and no matter how hard you try to keep it together, the tears just won't stop.

This entry deals with some heavy stuff, so here's some cute animals.

I had some pretty bad experiences last year, culminating in a full blown nervous breakdown. This year was right about there too, but I tended to lay the blame a lot on the difficult situation I'm going through. To summarize - I was jobless for the greatest part of these last two years, a world away from my best friends and only family I have, the few works I was deemed suitable for turned out to be underpaid scams where I worked off my ass for crumbs - if at all. Add to it a rent to pay that isn't cheap by a long shot and my living in a country - ye olde Italy - where everything is expensive times four (from bills to "first necessity" goods) and yeah... I couldn't entirely fault depression - or not just depression - for the crying fits I had. Not that depression it itself didn't make things worse (it did), but there was just so much bad stuff going on it was just the little cherry on top of the cake.

Pictured: not a cherry on top of the cake but a very cute hedgehog

These days, meh.. things are only slightly better. I have a work which does not pay off (long story short, our bosses got in a big shitty mess with the Ministry of Finances and now our salaries are on hold until next year) and went through some pretty rough hazing from my colleagues and coworkers, at a time when I was emotionally frail and at my lowest. Again - not surprising that depression found a very fertile ground.

But then, external situations notwithstanding, my inner healing seemed to be finally going somewhere. I'll write more about that in its own post, but a kind of disdainful assertiveness, a "coldness" replaced the despair that had had me in its grip - and the strange thing was that it did so seemingly overnight. I was getting settled to it. It wasn't the same as being happy and depression-free, but considering the circumstances, it was a good enough compromise.

And then triggers happen.

The first time it was something really silly - a guy at work just flat out said he doesn't want to work with us anymore and hang the telephone in my face. Alright, he was displeased, and yes, he sounded angry, but he was still civil. He didn't tell me off the way some other people do (some day I'll also write a post on the woes of telemarketing, heh). He just said, gently but firmly, that he wasn't interested in our services anymore and to not bother him again. 

Yet something set me off so bad that I started crying desperately. At work, in front of coworkers who had for the most part acted hostile toward me pretty much since the day I was hired. But to give them credit, none of them laughed, snorted or rolled eyes. No one even made a scathing comment. They all seemed shocked, as if they understood that what was going on was a mental illness problem. As of it, I couldn't even look any of them in the eyes without breaking down in sobs again. Even staring at the papers for too long made me blink off tears. My voice threatened to break all the day at phone. I felt miserable and I wasn't even sure why, or why it had struck just then.

Sleeping the blues away

This evening it happened again - this time with a more personal trigger. I won't go into too much detail as it's personal and still a very raw topic, but I've begun to understand what people mean when they speak of "holiday blues". Of course it does not help that my birthday is exactly two days after Christmas. But at least last year I could spend it with my friend's family in the UK, and it felt really like in the past when I wasn't totally alone and even depression was more bearable. This year, since we're not getting any sort of winter vacation, I'll spend the day at work with people that I don't even particularly like, but there'll be Christmas wishes and birthday wishes and the thought suddenly made me burst in tears just like the angry customer back then had done. I left off almost one third of my dinner - then, luckily, some chat with my overseas family cheered me up somewhat, and now I'm here in the dark of my room, typing out this post on the phone. My eyes did sting a couple times, but I've not cried again and I think that's a small success.

Still... this should teach me better than to think I can ever let my guard down when it comes to depression. There's a deep sadness buried in my heart and it sometimes takes so little for the dam to break and tears to burst out. Maybe someday or other, in a weekend, I'd need to take a long, good cry for as long as I need and let it all out - but at the same time I'm weary of doing so, because I remember how spent and tired I felt after the last such breakout. Tears help, at times, but they're also incredibly painful and... how can I say?... taxing on my nerves. I feel better after crying, yeah, but I also feel much frailer and like I've been beaten up and hurt on multiple levels.

*le sigh again* And that's how messed up my situation is right now. I'm still struggling though, still not giving up. Hopefully, come tomorrow, the aloofness that I've come to consider a wall around my feelings will be back to make me feel confident and face the upcoming week at work. I just wish I could have at least one hassle-free weekend where I can simply relax, rejuvenate, and recharge for two days straight, but it seems there's always something that gets in the way.

All images are stock photos from Pexels

Ah well. Next weekend, maybe?

I'm not giving up hope. And I'm confident that you don't, too.

BlackkKlansMan review: a good movie that could have been better

Movie Review for BlackKlansMan, and a few musings on the power of storytelling

Kicking off my return to NOI, I review a movie that I've been invited to watch this week. I was interested in the subject and on the overall I thought the movie was well done and had good potential, but sadly a great deal of it was lost in over simplification of some core matters. Here's my two cents on BlackkKlansMan by Spike Lee.

Wow, seems like karma liked my motivation to return to a more regular schedule of posting on NOI, as well as the shift to more personal things going on in our life. So here comes my first movie review that isn't something I've re-watched! That's right, a very nice colleague of mine invited me to theater with her and I did not skip the opportunity. It's been too long since I went to theater - the last chance I had was for "Return of the Jedi", where again I was invited. Being poor sucks and movies are expensive over here so for a great of them I just wait until the DVD comes off or until they're streamed on our local TVs! 

But now there was the opportunity and so after sharing a pizza, we set out to watch BlackKlansMan, Spike Lee's movie based on a true story. I had read something about the movie beforehand and the premises sounded interesting enough to hook me through the viewing. However, I feel some aspects could be handled differently for an even more powerful impact on the viewer.

The movie opens with Ron Stallworth (John David Washington) entering the Colorado Spring's police department as the first African-American cop. It's the '70s, so not only Ron's enrollment is seen as a daring experiments on behalf of his superiors but also as a "crazy", "irresponsible" choice by the still heavily racist majority of people, who feel threatened by the growing restlessness of the deeply ostracized black community. Unsurprisingly, Stallworth's beginnings are anything but easy.

Even among his own colleagues Ron meets prejudice and slander. We see as he puts up, as gracefully as he can, with a series of belittling tasks and taunts. Yet throughout the entirety of the movie he stays firm in his resolution to use his life as a mean to achieve something, to fight for the rights of the black community even though he's wearing a badge that does positively little to endear him to his fellow peers. Due to police being predominantly white, racist, violent, and corrupted, Ron must keep hush-hush about his job even with the young leader of the black students movement for which he eventually falls in love. I feel the movie did a great job portraying his inner fight and the contradictions which constantly threaten to tear his soul apart; he's proud of being a cop, yet ashamed and disgusted of what other cops all around him do. Likewise, he believes in his work, but is also keenly and painfully aware that the thin red line between protecting people and abusing thousands of dark skinned people who only want to see their rights recognized and respected, is liable to be crossed back and forth. His contempt for the predominant white-centric mindset really shines through Washington's acting.

The turning point in his career comes when his superiors move him to the Intel department. Here, Ron's inquisitive nature leads him to answer to a rather obscure newspaper ad, which brings him in touch with the secret, laying-low-yet-dangerously-bursting-with-activity, ominous remains of the Ku Klux Klan. Passing himself off for a white racist several times over, Ron eventually gets admitted into the Klan's inner circle. But while his brilliant telephone acting could buy over even the Klan's leader David Duke (played by Topher Grace), there's just no way he can waltz into the Klan's meetings as an insider to document their illegal plans - not while he's wearing his own face. This is where his white colleague, Flip Zimmerman (Adam Driver) comes into play.

Zimmerman is not any more beloved to the KKK due to his Jew heritage, but unlike Ron, he can actually disguise himself believably as a white supremacist and look the part. While at first he takes this as just another assignment, the sickening lack of consideration for minorities rights and lives that he surrounds himself with on a daily basis brings him to reacquaint with his origins, with the man these people would see him as, and with the kind of man he wants to be.

Driver's acting was very good - more convincing, IMHO, than his performance of Kylo Renn in the Stars Wars franchise. Flip is clearly a way more disillusioned and snide man than the steadfast Ron; earlier in the movie he remarks dryly "This is a mission for you, but for me? It's just part of the job. Don't drag me into your crusade, man." Yet he also shares a deep integrity of morals with his colleagues, and whenever he's around the KKK fanatics he's supposed to infiltrate, you can feel the barely restrained anger building up behind his every gesture and glance.

All in all, the movie works well from beginning to end. It has a pretty good pace, except for a somewhat slow start when Ron is first called to infiltrate a black gathering that his leaders fear could just be a covert to instigate rebellions and attacks. The dialogues are believable, if heart breaking whenever the Klan members are on screen, with their ruthless, gratuitous hatred of everything and everyone they perceive as "different". And when the tension picks up toward the latter part of the movie, it really picks up - you know these deranged madmen mean trouble, both for Ron and Flip and for the hundreds innocent victims of their vile machinations alike. The climax was gripping, especially after Ron throws away caution - and risks his own life - to save the woman he loves. And the finale managed to pack a good mix of laughs and "take that!" moments with some more hopeful notes. 

But as Ron Stallworth's personal story wraps up, the movie still has one last punch up its sleeve. The scene changes to modern-day footage from manifestations, shootings and attacks which were justified by the white-centric mindset so predominant in the "Trump age". An excerpt from a recent interview with David Duke manages to be both disheartening and blood curling. It's like mankind really can't learn from its mistakes, and the '70s atmosphere of diffidence, fear and bottled up violence ready to explode suddenly looms brutally actual before the viewer's eyes. The US flag loses its colours and fades into a monochrome black, without any sort of sound effect or back score but a deadly silence -. almost prophetizing of horrors yet to come. I feel this was possibly the greatest height of the movie and the bravest moment in a script that wanted to some make very good point... but, sadly, didn't always hit the mark. At least to my eyes.

What's my problem with BlackkKlansMan? While I acknowledge that a lot of work went into this movie and in general approve what Spike Lee tried to say with it, I feel that its core message also runs the risk of being severely misunderstood. And that's mostly because of what seems to be its biggest flaw; for such an ambitious story, it's a bit too simplified, morally and conceptually.

Spike Lee tries to warn viewers of the dangers of hate with a representation of the brewing underground tensions between black and white community; on one side we have the angry students and protesters who want to get their rights acknowledged, who despise the corruption of the government and are ready to fight for their place in the world, opposed to the fanatic rambling of a few exalted morons who would happily wipe out of existence whoever they don't deem "worthy" of being alive. Much emphasis is placed on how the black community has reached the breaking point where they're ready to give back as good as they get; this parallel is especially shown in the sequence of the students gathering, in which the horrors of segregation and racism are put in the spotlight, juxtaposed to Flip's "initiation" as a full KKK affiliate, which in itself is the culmination of Duke's visit to Colorado Springs. Both factions hold a bitter grudge against each other, and the black students indignation is threatening to turn into full blown agitation and rebellion, which could take them on the same path of hate from which the crimes of their persecutors have arisen. The oxymoron that Lee wanted to show in this sequence is the devastating nature of hate, which can at a time unite while exasperating differences and separation.

But it's way too simple to just preach to "not hate", and it's especially jarring in the case of this movie. Because the black populace in the '70s, just as well as today, had every reason to hate their white oppressors. Black men and women were brought in the United States as slaves, treated like animals and things, deprived of even the most basic rights, denied even to consider themselves human beings. They were subjected to tortures, humiliations and violence which at the time were considered totally legalized. Yes, many of them came to hate the whites just as much as Klan members hated blacks, Jews and anyone who didn't fit their schemes of things - but in the blacks case it was with fully justified reasons! Likely the parents, or even grandparents of those students portrayed in the movie had been rejects or children of rejects, maybe they had even had relatives of friends killed in cold blood because their only crime was being born with a "different" skin tone. That they'd eventually be pushed to the point of lashing back - even violently, and without excusing violence for violence's sake - is far more the white's responsibilities than theirs.

It's not a wrong message, what the movie wants to convey; and surely the intent behind this choice of sequences is a noble one. But I fear, especially to the light of some recent events with a very close minded person I know IRL, that it might fall on deaf ears at best or be misunderstood at worst. It's far too easy for prejudiced people to read Spike Lee's movie as a warning against the danger that the pent-up anger of the black people can represent; extrapolated from the movie context, and warped to fit a white-centric ideology, even the entirely rightful fervor of Patrice (Ron's love interest, whose concept was visually inspired by the activitist Angela Davies) can make her seem as emotionally unbalanced as the Klan criminals. But Patrice is not unbalanced. She's an angry young woman who has been hurt in her life, who grew up in fear and ultimately decided that she didn't want to be afraid any more and show teeth. Any parallel drawn between her driving motives and the blind hatred of the Klan is... not "poor" writing, but way, way too washed down and explained away. "They did terrible things to her so she became in turn moody and vengeful" - nevermind that she actually comes from a faction that's been enslaved and oppressed for centuries, and who never had a said in its existence. This is where the film fell flat for me. In many ways, the dichotomy reminded me of a line in "Pearl Harbor" where a character spoke of the American army as a sleeping giant that had been awoken, and I felt the representation of the black community in "BlackkKlansman" aimed to the same goal. But they were - they are, even in present day - much more than an outraged bunch of people who have been wronged. They are the product of a mindset that has entitled horrors which should never be allowed to happen again. It's a revolt that the movie shows, alright - but it's the revolt of a victim against its torturer, not against two factions squaring off the same level ground. Because there was never a "same" ground to start from. The odds were never even and they're not even still - especially today.

Don't get me wrong, it was a difficult concept to convey on screen, and the movie's story already stretched to a considerable length as it was. Packing a more complex discourse on just how things got so bad - from the '70 to the present day - would have been one Herculean task. But I believe that Spike Lee's movie deserved the extra effort. Especially because the final footage went a long way toward denouncing where the US (and the world at large) are headed, and it was just a pity that it came at the end of a movie that was ultimately very good but handled its core concept in such a cheap way.

I have some other minor gripes about "BlackkKlansMan". Flip's character, despite the very intense acting of Adam Driver, could probably have been expanded more. We hear a lot of what's going through his head, but how it affects his life is always told, not shown. It would have been interesting to watch him deal with the aftermath of the ever growing unease he felt around the Klansmen. Again, his character was interesting and written as complex, but as the end credits rolled in I was left with the feeling there was much more to Flip than what the movie bothered to show. Also, a side plot featuring Patrice and some harassment she received by the hand of a very corrupt and chauvinist colleague of Ron's was resolved too neatly and purely for laughs in the final sequences. 

I can't say that "BlackkKlansMan" is a bad film - it's not, at least in my opinion. I'd probably watch it again if it aired on TV. And I can still recommend it - but only tentatively. If you have your facts straight and can look back on history from an objective stance, then you might enjoy it. It's not a kolossal - but it casts light on an interesting story of self-worth and fight for one's beliefs, the actors are good, and the story delivers both thrills, laughs and feels. However, considering the subject of the movie, I'm afraid this kind of target might be just its attempt to "preach to the choir" - and in other circles it might just be misread, perhaps even dangerously so.

Perhaps "BlackkKlansMan" was an overachiever of a movie and I'll give it props for trying hard. It's not horrible - I just felt that with more drive, and the same boldness it showed in the finale, it could have been the bomb it promised to be.

My score for this one is 7 1/2+ on 10 (although I'm tempted to round it to a full 8/10 for the chills the ending sent down my spine).

Sorry about the treeshrew tale delay!

Got distracted by this lil guy. His name is Monty and he's a troublemaker. I'll write about him and why he's partially shaved soon (as in, when I remember lol) so stay tuned!

Also one of my younger brothers broke his leg nearly a month ago, so it's been hella hectic.

(Hopeful) End of hiatus on my side too!

Hi all! Here I'm again writing on the pages of NOI - if this Wordpress app I have installed on phone will let me post at all! My computer can't seem to connect to my Internet's WiFi no matter what tricks and hacks I try so I need to get a day off work for some tech from the phone company to come over and see what can be done. But hey, at least I have Internet on phone, so after an exhausting wait I thought I'd try this app thingy and see if it lets me post anything. If this post goes live it means HUGE SUCCESS, like GLaDOS would say ;)

Like the title says, I want to resume posting with more frequency here on the blog. I've really, really missed doing things I enjoy. All my life nowadays seems to resolve around a job I don't particularly enjoy and that does not even pay off, though, so I held off thinking I don't really have that much to write about. I'm a boring person living a boring life in a boring world.

But hey... it doesn't have to stay boring, does it? I'll try looking around myself more for things to write about. It needn't be grandiose - even little things about everyday life. I can almost never afford going to theater or buying books, but if I catch something interesting on TV or on the Internet, I can still review it. Who cares if it's not sparkling new, right? You gotta do with what life throws your life.

Also something that plays a big part in my life right now is depression, or rather my struggle in trying to raise above it. I hit some pretty bad lows in the past year, in no small part cued by external circumstances that just added up to a messed up head. But I'm fighting everyday to get out of the pit, so from time to time I might post stuff on how my perception of the world around me varies as my mood improves, or what coping mechanisms seem to work better in my case. Hopefully, my experience can be of help to anyone else out there who's going through the same shit. You're not alone, folks. We're not alone.

And on a more upbeat note, Halloween is right around the corner! It's by far my favorite holiday so I'll def try and whip up something about it. Maybe even just sighthings of the coolest and spookiest decorations I see in town... I used to have such a thing going on my "virtual home", the beloved WALL-E Forum. Or I could re-read and watch some old classics... or even post top ten of favorite Halloween charas and masks... or party tips... it's just been so long since I celebrated Halloween that I feel out of loop on everything, although I love the holiday and look forward to it all year long. But living alone has kinda sullied my spirit and a lot of the things I enjoyed doing ended up on backburner. Maybe NOI can help me rediscover them? We'll see, I guess.

But I'll be back. This is a promise. Long live NOI!

A Tale of Two Treeshrews (Part 1)

Life is kinda unpredictable. It's wonderful. It's terrible. It's everything at once. But you have to take the good and the bad, don't you? Like a rainbow after the storm.

Anyway, let me get to the point; earlier this year, in May, my family and I went to Melacca. Not unusual for us, though we've been going less and less. It was just me, Mum and two of my younger brothers, Adam and Zach (15 and 11 at the time), as well as a friend of Mum's.

We hadn't visited in a while since we let the house out for holiday renters. Mum wanted to pay a visit to see how they were looking after the place. While we were looking for keys to open all the locked cupboards, we found dry leaves and... something alive in one of them!

Mum screamed. She thought it was a rat! Then we saw the second one... I didn't think they were rats. First thought was bats since it was high up in the cupboard. Then I noticed their tails; they were covered in fur. Squirrels?

After it was determined they weren't rats, I was instructed to take them out. I was afraid to touch them though... would they bite? Did they have diseases? I really regret being so afraid, because what happened next, as I was trying to grab one with a tissue, they... fell.

Like I said, the cupboard was high up. The ground was hard. One of the little guys was bleeding a little from the nose. I felt so bad. So shit. I felt like a shitty person. I let an innocent baby get hurt; eyes aren't even open and one of the first things he's ever felt is pain, a pain he can't even understand. I'm tearing up just typing about it...

Little velvety babies, when we first found them

 Luckily though, they survived. They seemed OK, despite the bit of blood. Mum had called one of the workers who clean the house and stuff and asked if he could help raise them.
"Don't kill them," she begged.
Guy agreed, but he seemed unsure. He had goats and looked after cats but these squirrel-like things were still so young, and he had no experience in that area.

So... we decided to keep them for the time being, until we could decide what to do. I got more tissues and stuffed a cardboard McDonald's drink holder with it, to make them a cosy nest, and gently placed them inside, taking the whole nest and placing it in a lower and safer place in the cupboard so they could sleep in peace. Put in some of the dry leaves for good measure.

We decided to leave a window in that room slightly open, just in case the mother comes back.

After some research, I found out that these little guys weren't squirrels; they were a completely different species, an animal called treeshrew. Most likely the common treeshrew (Tupaia glis).
They eat fruits and insects, and sometimes even small animals like geckos. Also, it turns out... they have really absentee parenting!

This gave us little hope for mama coming back from them... even moving them to outside, she would not recognise them unless they were at the original "nest" that she marked with her scent trails. It was more likely she'd abandon them. This was bad. We tried anyway. What's the harm in leaving a bit of window open if we're home?

Unfortunately, during the two days we stayed, mama never came back. Even though we left the doors wide open (front and back) while we were home. Maybe she got scared off by our presence.

Despite all that, we tried to care for them. We bought powdered milk for cats (as recommended through some Indonesian blog by someone who also raised baby treeshrews) and tried to feed them. It was pretty awkward. We had to pour a bit of milk on our palms so they could lick it up, as they were too young and blind to understand how to drink from the bowl.

We didn't know what else to do. In the meantime, I upgraded their nest with an old tea towel to make it cosier.

Snug as a bug in a rug

When it was time to go home on Monday, we decided to stop by a vet in Tampin (we tried calling first but there was no listed number). We couldn't go to a vet on the weekend as it was closed, so this was our only chance before we went back to KL. But alas... they didn't know how to look after treeshrews either! So it seemed... we were stuck with them.

The good news was, we got something better to feed them with; a small syringe.

So we went back home to KL, with two baby treeshrews in a box.

To be continued...