Of Dependent Personality Syndrome, triggers and holidays blues
WARNING: This post is about depression and mental illness. Proceed at your own discretion.
After a second run-in with triggers that hit me far harder than they should have, I decided to write something about how my feelings toward the holidays (especially Christmas) changed over the years, and what I've figured out might be "my" branch of depression; meet the Dependent Personality Disorder.
Hey all, Cri again. I'm sorry for bringing two depressing posts in a row here on NOI, but as my life mostly revolves around how depression affects it, I figured it'd be worth keeping this online journal updated. And the most recent update is that just this Thursday I had another bad episode, in which triggers sneaked on me and not only made me cry until my head hurt but also made me feel totally miserable and under the weather for the best part of the day. The fact that it's the only vacation day I'll be getting until Christmas (other than weekends) did not improve matters. But let's go over this with order.
The premise: Christmas and holidays blue
I'll start by saying that for the majority of my life, I was totally a holiday person. I loved Christmas, New Year, Halloween, Easter and even those holidays that aren't celebrated in Italy, like Thanksgiving or the Chinese New Year or Bonfire Night or Dia De Los Muertos. I am, of course, a big geek for foreign cultures and their traditions, but the main reason I used to dig holidays so much was that they were special occasions in which the hassles and concerns of everyday life were pushed aside, and my family and me could focus only on doing things together; donning the house, trying out new recipes, and in general celebrating our love for each other. My heart was a big multicolored glitter mess waiting for just another holiday, for just another party; I loved going out and taking photographs of the stores decorations even if I'd buy nothing, loved making plans, loved the atmosphere and the anticipation surrounding each festive occasion.
Then, something changed. I could blame it all on depression, of course, but the truth is that the harsher my life got, the easier a prey I became for depression itself. And sure enough, karma does seem to want to make me pay through my nose for those happy years. In the course of ten years I lost my grandmother, my aunt and finally my own mother, each consumed by illness of various kinds, after endless comings and goings to and from hospitals, endless devastating cures, endless hopes that sometimes soared and sometimes were bitterly crushed, endless pain and suffering on both ends - theirs and mine. For the greatest part of these years I couldn't even communicate with my online friends, the people I bonded with so much they really feel like family living abroad.
Fortunately, when things hit rock bottom with my mum's passing in 2015, I was able to contact them again and found out, to my delight, that they hadn't forgot about me and were ready as ever to surround me with their love and affection. This happened in September, so by December time I was still finding comfort in the fact that I could finally talk with them again and it shielded me, somewhat, from the Christmas atmosphere outside. I could pass by the store windows pretending to not see them because my thoughts kept revolving on when I'd be home to talk with my friends, commenting TV shows online with them and in general feeling like there was a sort of "haze" between me and the celebrations outside.
And here you can already see, clearer than I did at the time, how my reaction toward the holidays had changed abruptly. It went from being one of the most sought after time of the years, something I looked forward, to something that I just wanted to be over as quickly as possible, something that I tried to avoid instinctively knowing that a too direct brush with it would only leave me bleeding. I had come to dread Christmas, and holidays in general; I dreaded it because it made me feel melancholic and lonely, and only brought back a flood of memories of the happy holidays I had spent with my family - times that would never come back again and that I missed terribly. I had become one of the many people all over the world who suffer from "holiday blues."
And all through it, real life didn't give me a break either. I lost two jobs, the second of which was horrifying underpaid; I had countless applications and CVs rejected, all while struggling to stay alive in a country where everything from transport to food is overpriced. My friends had to chip in to pay my rent or I'd end up living on the streets, I had my bedroom ceiling collapse (fortunately at a time when I wasn't at home, or I wouldn't be writing this) and finally, just as of this year, found a new job where I slave away eight hours a day in a stressful environment and am not even paid for it, as our salaries have been placed on hold until sometime next year.
My life seemed, and felt, like a thorough failure, so it shouldn't be surprising if many times I was left wondering what was the point of it all. I always made it through - only thanks to the efforts, love and support of my online circle - but it was daunting, it was tiring, and it was hard. As you can easily imagine, my depression was the only one that had a blast through it all.
Last Christmas (no, not the song :P) was still different! My online friends almost literally "moved the mountains", like we say in Italy, so that I could spend Christmas holidays with them in the UK. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for their kindness, yet also frightened that depression would make me break out in tears all the time, that I'd ruin their holidays when they were struggling so hard to make it special for me... but even if I very nearly hit rock bottom and had to postpone the trip of a couple days for a particularly bad nervous meltdown, ultimately depression was kicked back in the ass! Being with them was just like the holidays in the old times. It felt like family. It felt like no longer being alone, like having a reason to celebrate; all the atmosphere, the care, the warmth was back, and for this I'll never thank Nabi, George and his family enough. It was a Christmas miracle made real, and suffocated the holidays blues for good.
Sadly, this year there is nothing behind which I can take shelter to ignore the Christmas atmosphere, and no way I can spend it with my friends anywhere but online. At my job we'll be in office until the 24th, only take a break on 25th and since we're not being paid, even travelling or getting presents to send abroad to my loved ones is virtually impossible. It does not help that Italy's stores, like everywhere else, seem to enter the Christmas atmosphere already BEFORE Halloween is over. At work, everyone's talking about their plans for Christmas and New Year since a week or so.
The catalyst: "My Little Pony" Christmas special (review coming soon!)
A couple days ago, I made a mistake. I agreed, light-heartedly, to watch a My Little Pony Christmas special (I'll post a review of it next). Even if it was set in Christmas, or "Hearth's Warming", and the plot was all about finding the perfect gift for friends, I thought it'd be rather harmless. And heck... I used to love gift-hunting plots so much. In the past I wrote several fanfictions and stories revolving around the search for the perfect gift. One of my favorite book is aptly called "The most beautiful gift" and I referenced it years ago in a WALL-E fanfiction, "Let it snow", which pretty much borrows its finale from Jonathan Snow's enchanting Christmas story. For all these reasons I really wanted to watch the MLP special. More, I wanted to enjoy it.
And at least in the beginning, it seemed to work. There were a few warning bells with the initial song setting the atmosphere of the special, which made me worry that maybe it hadn't been a great idea - but then the story picked up and I got engaged in it. The humor and wisecracks of Discord, the gags with Spike and Twilight, Flurry Heart's cuteness - it all played out as it should have, and except for my eyes stinging just a couple of times (like I said, mostly at the beginning) I thought I'd make it fine to the end of the movie.
Unfortunately, the credits song pretty much shattered my hopes. It's all about friendship being the best gift ever, and the words plus the music, together with the slice-of-life-style scenes set all over Equestria, tugged at my heartstrings in a way the entire 44 minutes of episode had not done. It's a lovely song, and I totally agree with what it says - but it also was a jab in my heart because I'll be a world away from my friends, I won't be able to see them or get them presents or even exchange Christmas wishes with them.
Furthermore, it brought up feeling of self-guilt; I blamed myself for not finding the strength in me to leave a job that's taking up so much of my time and not even paying me for it, which resulted in me feeling weak, helpless and miserable. That quickly turned to contempt, which in return became self hate. I cried so much by the end of the day my head was hurting and I felt totally shattered inside; meanwhile the hours had ticked off and I had thoroughly wasted my only other vacation day before the weekend and the only vacation I was going to have from here to Christmas - again because I brought it all upon myself, because I can't quit and once again face the strain of being jobless like in the last couple years. My only "free" day that I could spend with my loved ones, and I just wanted it to end as soon as possible, feeling that I ruined it for myself and for them. And all for what? Because I had genuinely thought watching a Christmas special of one of my favorite shows wouldn't hurt, because I thought I had not changed that much during the last two years. It turned out, I have changed and not for the best.
(Update 11/4: In case you're wondering - I'm doing better now. Writing this article my eyes got misty only a couple times and I managed to hold back the tears, for the most part. Yesterday I was even able to rewatch the episode and the triggers didn't work, though maybe it was because I already knew what was coming so I was kinda braced. Or, maybe I was just tired after a long working week. I've had worse bouts of depression, and I know I'll make it through this one. But it clearly showed me the struggle is far from over, and the enemy - depression - keeps lurking around me, like a vulture or a shark circling its prey.)
Self-analysis: Dependent Personality Disorder
Holidays blues notwithstanding, this brings me to the other point I wanted to discuss in this article. Because the breakdown with the Christmas special got me thinking about my depression, its symptoms, and especially how a lot of my happiness nowadays seems to rely in my friends and family abroad. When I'm on my own, I go on, I "survive" (like the Captain from WALL-E would say), there's even the occasional few times when I do fun things like impersonating a vampire on the tune of Xandria's "Vampire" this Halloween at the office - but all through it all I don't really feel much happiness. Or if it's happiness, it feels... watered down. I'm only genuinely happy when I'm home and can chat with my friends, or in the past year when I actually got to hang out with them (in Genoa during their summer trip to visit me, and in the UK during my Christmas vacation).
Some time ago, I joined an online support group about DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If you don't know much about DBT I suggest that you look it up, because on the overall I've found it helpful - and inspiring. Reading about how other people struggle with your same mental illness or different forms of the same diseases has from time to time given me encouragement to not give up hope. And in general these kinds of group tend to lend a supportive and understanding ear to your mental problems, which is helpful especially if (like me) you can't visit your therapist as often as you'd need (in my case, work shifts are such that we had to settle for phone appointments).
Recently, a post about "dependent personality disorder", or DPD, got my attention. Recognizing myself to have become highly dependent on others, I looked it up with some curiosity. And it seems like this particular branch of mental illness reflects myself pretty well. My happiness does hinge or whether or not I'm around others, to the point that I depend on them to keep going; I've known for a long time now that if I didn't have my "heart circle", my online friends, I'd even indulge suicidal thoughts more than I usually do (and yes, before you ask - there have been the occasional suicidal thoughts. Nothing I've ever put into action, but just... sometimes I feel tired of struggling all the time, and I wonder what's the point and whether it wouldn't be more merciful to just not wake up? Of course, I then shush these thoughts by telling myself that I have friends who love me and would miss me. But the fact that I need to others as an "anchor" to keep me grounded to life is the proof that I don't value my own life all that much, so if I was left to myself, I'm only assuming it'd be more difficult to shush down the suicidal thoughts and tell myself that "it's worth it". Because obviously, in my depression-riddled head - and heart - I am not "worth it" myself.)
The lack of self-esteem is also one of my most typical traits. I expect nothing from myself, and if something good occurs, it's always someone else's merit whether for encouraging me or sticking by me. Likewise, I tend to gravitate towards groups (where I always take a submissive stance, going with the tide instead of taking a stance for myself). I'm also afraid of abandonment and it's the key reason I've been withholding ever getting another pet in my life (other than my being penniless and thus unable to care properly for any animal's welfare; even a tiny pet like a goldfish, a canary, a turtle or a rat deserves proper food, vet support, and all other requirements for a good and comfortable life which here in Italy are expensive as heck). I've seen so many people and pets die and leave me behind that I'm not ready, emotionally and psychologically, to lose someone I love yet once again. (And yes, my religion does preach to me that there's an afterlife... but it's little comfort when I'm so needy and starving for companionship in the present time, in the everyday life).
So yeah... I think I've nailed down, pretty much, what's the issue with me. And knowing the face of your enemy can be disheartening - but it can also give you new weapons to fight it with. Now I know what I should be working on to improve myself. My love for my family notwithstanding, I must learn to depend on myself, to consider myself valuable and worthy. Because as much as it's true that humans are social animals and need the company of our peers, I can't keep relying so heavily on others. Only if I can learn to stand on my own I'll be able to score a massive goal in my endless, endless fight with depression. It's not going to be easy, and I know the road ahead is paved with difficulties. But for the love of my friends, who have kept me afloat all this time, I must learn to swim on my own.
I do want to take this challenge home.
All stock photos found on Pixabay, Unsplash & Pexels
MLP (c) Hasbro
Hey all, Cri again. I'm sorry for bringing two depressing posts in a row here on NOI, but as my life mostly revolves around how depression affects it, I figured it'd be worth keeping this online journal updated. And the most recent update is that just this Thursday I had another bad episode, in which triggers sneaked on me and not only made me cry until my head hurt but also made me feel totally miserable and under the weather for the best part of the day. The fact that it's the only vacation day I'll be getting until Christmas (other than weekends) did not improve matters. But let's go over this with order.
The premise: Christmas and holidays blue
I'll start by saying that for the majority of my life, I was totally a holiday person. I loved Christmas, New Year, Halloween, Easter and even those holidays that aren't celebrated in Italy, like Thanksgiving or the Chinese New Year or Bonfire Night or Dia De Los Muertos. I am, of course, a big geek for foreign cultures and their traditions, but the main reason I used to dig holidays so much was that they were special occasions in which the hassles and concerns of everyday life were pushed aside, and my family and me could focus only on doing things together; donning the house, trying out new recipes, and in general celebrating our love for each other. My heart was a big multicolored glitter mess waiting for just another holiday, for just another party; I loved going out and taking photographs of the stores decorations even if I'd buy nothing, loved making plans, loved the atmosphere and the anticipation surrounding each festive occasion.
Then, something changed. I could blame it all on depression, of course, but the truth is that the harsher my life got, the easier a prey I became for depression itself. And sure enough, karma does seem to want to make me pay through my nose for those happy years. In the course of ten years I lost my grandmother, my aunt and finally my own mother, each consumed by illness of various kinds, after endless comings and goings to and from hospitals, endless devastating cures, endless hopes that sometimes soared and sometimes were bitterly crushed, endless pain and suffering on both ends - theirs and mine. For the greatest part of these years I couldn't even communicate with my online friends, the people I bonded with so much they really feel like family living abroad.
Fortunately, when things hit rock bottom with my mum's passing in 2015, I was able to contact them again and found out, to my delight, that they hadn't forgot about me and were ready as ever to surround me with their love and affection. This happened in September, so by December time I was still finding comfort in the fact that I could finally talk with them again and it shielded me, somewhat, from the Christmas atmosphere outside. I could pass by the store windows pretending to not see them because my thoughts kept revolving on when I'd be home to talk with my friends, commenting TV shows online with them and in general feeling like there was a sort of "haze" between me and the celebrations outside.
And here you can already see, clearer than I did at the time, how my reaction toward the holidays had changed abruptly. It went from being one of the most sought after time of the years, something I looked forward, to something that I just wanted to be over as quickly as possible, something that I tried to avoid instinctively knowing that a too direct brush with it would only leave me bleeding. I had come to dread Christmas, and holidays in general; I dreaded it because it made me feel melancholic and lonely, and only brought back a flood of memories of the happy holidays I had spent with my family - times that would never come back again and that I missed terribly. I had become one of the many people all over the world who suffer from "holiday blues."And all through it, real life didn't give me a break either. I lost two jobs, the second of which was horrifying underpaid; I had countless applications and CVs rejected, all while struggling to stay alive in a country where everything from transport to food is overpriced. My friends had to chip in to pay my rent or I'd end up living on the streets, I had my bedroom ceiling collapse (fortunately at a time when I wasn't at home, or I wouldn't be writing this) and finally, just as of this year, found a new job where I slave away eight hours a day in a stressful environment and am not even paid for it, as our salaries have been placed on hold until sometime next year.
My life seemed, and felt, like a thorough failure, so it shouldn't be surprising if many times I was left wondering what was the point of it all. I always made it through - only thanks to the efforts, love and support of my online circle - but it was daunting, it was tiring, and it was hard. As you can easily imagine, my depression was the only one that had a blast through it all.
 |
| We spent some time at a national park; it was peaceful. |
Sadly, this year there is nothing behind which I can take shelter to ignore the Christmas atmosphere, and no way I can spend it with my friends anywhere but online. At my job we'll be in office until the 24th, only take a break on 25th and since we're not being paid, even travelling or getting presents to send abroad to my loved ones is virtually impossible. It does not help that Italy's stores, like everywhere else, seem to enter the Christmas atmosphere already BEFORE Halloween is over. At work, everyone's talking about their plans for Christmas and New Year since a week or so.
The catalyst: "My Little Pony" Christmas special (review coming soon!)
A couple days ago, I made a mistake. I agreed, light-heartedly, to watch a My Little Pony Christmas special (I'll post a review of it next). Even if it was set in Christmas, or "Hearth's Warming", and the plot was all about finding the perfect gift for friends, I thought it'd be rather harmless. And heck... I used to love gift-hunting plots so much. In the past I wrote several fanfictions and stories revolving around the search for the perfect gift. One of my favorite book is aptly called "The most beautiful gift" and I referenced it years ago in a WALL-E fanfiction, "Let it snow", which pretty much borrows its finale from Jonathan Snow's enchanting Christmas story. For all these reasons I really wanted to watch the MLP special. More, I wanted to enjoy it.
And at least in the beginning, it seemed to work. There were a few warning bells with the initial song setting the atmosphere of the special, which made me worry that maybe it hadn't been a great idea - but then the story picked up and I got engaged in it. The humor and wisecracks of Discord, the gags with Spike and Twilight, Flurry Heart's cuteness - it all played out as it should have, and except for my eyes stinging just a couple of times (like I said, mostly at the beginning) I thought I'd make it fine to the end of the movie.
Unfortunately, the credits song pretty much shattered my hopes. It's all about friendship being the best gift ever, and the words plus the music, together with the slice-of-life-style scenes set all over Equestria, tugged at my heartstrings in a way the entire 44 minutes of episode had not done. It's a lovely song, and I totally agree with what it says - but it also was a jab in my heart because I'll be a world away from my friends, I won't be able to see them or get them presents or even exchange Christmas wishes with them.
Furthermore, it brought up feeling of self-guilt; I blamed myself for not finding the strength in me to leave a job that's taking up so much of my time and not even paying me for it, which resulted in me feeling weak, helpless and miserable. That quickly turned to contempt, which in return became self hate. I cried so much by the end of the day my head was hurting and I felt totally shattered inside; meanwhile the hours had ticked off and I had thoroughly wasted my only other vacation day before the weekend and the only vacation I was going to have from here to Christmas - again because I brought it all upon myself, because I can't quit and once again face the strain of being jobless like in the last couple years. My only "free" day that I could spend with my loved ones, and I just wanted it to end as soon as possible, feeling that I ruined it for myself and for them. And all for what? Because I had genuinely thought watching a Christmas special of one of my favorite shows wouldn't hurt, because I thought I had not changed that much during the last two years. It turned out, I have changed and not for the best.
(Update 11/4: In case you're wondering - I'm doing better now. Writing this article my eyes got misty only a couple times and I managed to hold back the tears, for the most part. Yesterday I was even able to rewatch the episode and the triggers didn't work, though maybe it was because I already knew what was coming so I was kinda braced. Or, maybe I was just tired after a long working week. I've had worse bouts of depression, and I know I'll make it through this one. But it clearly showed me the struggle is far from over, and the enemy - depression - keeps lurking around me, like a vulture or a shark circling its prey.)
Self-analysis: Dependent Personality Disorder
Holidays blues notwithstanding, this brings me to the other point I wanted to discuss in this article. Because the breakdown with the Christmas special got me thinking about my depression, its symptoms, and especially how a lot of my happiness nowadays seems to rely in my friends and family abroad. When I'm on my own, I go on, I "survive" (like the Captain from WALL-E would say), there's even the occasional few times when I do fun things like impersonating a vampire on the tune of Xandria's "Vampire" this Halloween at the office - but all through it all I don't really feel much happiness. Or if it's happiness, it feels... watered down. I'm only genuinely happy when I'm home and can chat with my friends, or in the past year when I actually got to hang out with them (in Genoa during their summer trip to visit me, and in the UK during my Christmas vacation).
Some time ago, I joined an online support group about DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If you don't know much about DBT I suggest that you look it up, because on the overall I've found it helpful - and inspiring. Reading about how other people struggle with your same mental illness or different forms of the same diseases has from time to time given me encouragement to not give up hope. And in general these kinds of group tend to lend a supportive and understanding ear to your mental problems, which is helpful especially if (like me) you can't visit your therapist as often as you'd need (in my case, work shifts are such that we had to settle for phone appointments).
Recently, a post about "dependent personality disorder", or DPD, got my attention. Recognizing myself to have become highly dependent on others, I looked it up with some curiosity. And it seems like this particular branch of mental illness reflects myself pretty well. My happiness does hinge or whether or not I'm around others, to the point that I depend on them to keep going; I've known for a long time now that if I didn't have my "heart circle", my online friends, I'd even indulge suicidal thoughts more than I usually do (and yes, before you ask - there have been the occasional suicidal thoughts. Nothing I've ever put into action, but just... sometimes I feel tired of struggling all the time, and I wonder what's the point and whether it wouldn't be more merciful to just not wake up? Of course, I then shush these thoughts by telling myself that I have friends who love me and would miss me. But the fact that I need to others as an "anchor" to keep me grounded to life is the proof that I don't value my own life all that much, so if I was left to myself, I'm only assuming it'd be more difficult to shush down the suicidal thoughts and tell myself that "it's worth it". Because obviously, in my depression-riddled head - and heart - I am not "worth it" myself.)
The lack of self-esteem is also one of my most typical traits. I expect nothing from myself, and if something good occurs, it's always someone else's merit whether for encouraging me or sticking by me. Likewise, I tend to gravitate towards groups (where I always take a submissive stance, going with the tide instead of taking a stance for myself). I'm also afraid of abandonment and it's the key reason I've been withholding ever getting another pet in my life (other than my being penniless and thus unable to care properly for any animal's welfare; even a tiny pet like a goldfish, a canary, a turtle or a rat deserves proper food, vet support, and all other requirements for a good and comfortable life which here in Italy are expensive as heck). I've seen so many people and pets die and leave me behind that I'm not ready, emotionally and psychologically, to lose someone I love yet once again. (And yes, my religion does preach to me that there's an afterlife... but it's little comfort when I'm so needy and starving for companionship in the present time, in the everyday life).
So yeah... I think I've nailed down, pretty much, what's the issue with me. And knowing the face of your enemy can be disheartening - but it can also give you new weapons to fight it with. Now I know what I should be working on to improve myself. My love for my family notwithstanding, I must learn to depend on myself, to consider myself valuable and worthy. Because as much as it's true that humans are social animals and need the company of our peers, I can't keep relying so heavily on others. Only if I can learn to stand on my own I'll be able to score a massive goal in my endless, endless fight with depression. It's not going to be easy, and I know the road ahead is paved with difficulties. But for the love of my friends, who have kept me afloat all this time, I must learn to swim on my own.
I do want to take this challenge home.
All stock photos found on Pixabay, Unsplash & Pexels
MLP (c) Hasbro
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